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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Superhero Solutions to Today's Problems

Here is a fun exercise that at best could be called a fun activity for hard core comic book geeks and at worst be called a sick exploitation of human suffering. Choose the best hero to solve the problems and the crisis' that have befallen the people of the United States and the World over the past few months. Let's say 'lighten up' to the harsh critics while including a little extra element to make things interesting, choose the best Marvel and DC character and then have them slug it out for the title of BEST COMIC BOOK UNIVERSE TO SOLVE ALL OF OUR CURRENT PROBLEMS:


Nightmare 1: Boston Bombing
The Flash(DC) - One of the most coveted races on the planet, of course the fastest man alive is going to take some time out of his day to partake. But, given that the Flash travels at several times the speed of light, you figure that he will be kicked back in a lawn chair sipping mai-tais by the four hour point that marked the beginning of the devastation. So, when the first bomb goes off, you figure Barry Allen wouldn't even have had time to react. Perhaps assisting in getting the most harmed to medical care quickly, but little to prevent the catastrophe.
Wolverine(Marvel) - Circumstances that would result in both Logan strolling down a heavily populated metro area and that the pressure cooker bombs weren't made in completely sterile environment withstanding, you'd have to envision that Wolverine would sniff out something smelling funny, and potentially leaping on one of the bombs just before it exploded saving many from the terrible real life fate while causing him and his adamantium body only brief damage. Or at the very least tracing the residue on the Tsarnaev brothers, bringing them to justice without the need of a city lockdown.


Winner: Wolverine - Marvel 1, DC 0

Nightmare 2: West, Texas fertilizer explosion
Bishop(Marvel) - On sight moments before a huge fireball engulfs the small Texas town, Bishop absorbs the energy of the blast and redirects it in a fantastic light display with a beam of energy that shoots into the heavens.
Starfire(DC) - Seeing her Marvel counterpart so effortlessly absorb and dissipate the force of the blast, Starfire prepares to do the same. Only when it's too late does she realize that her ability to absorb energy is limited to the sun, causing her to be engulfed in the explosion, only slightly lessening the devastation of West.

Winner: Bishop - Marvel 2, DC 0

Nightmare 3: Benghazi Attacks

Batman(DC) - Safely tucked away in his Bat-Cave, Bruce Wayne would see the scenario play out and find a way to over ride any orders to stand down coming from Washington. All the while leaving his role as puppet master a mystery to those on the ground in either location.
Iron Man(Marvel) - Throwing caution to the wind, Tony Stark would dawn his armor and violate several sovereign nations airspace to save his fellow man. Credited with saving several lives at the expense of destroying what little good will is lent his way from the administration, a new era of bureaucratic warfare would commence between Stark Industries and the White House that even Col. Rhodes won't touch with a ten foot poll.

Winner: Batman - Marvel 2, DC 1

Nightmare 4: Super Storm Sandy
Storm(Marvel) - Ascending to the heavens with blazing white eyes, Storm calms the waters and stems the tides with a simple thought and the Jersey Shore goes on as though nothing had happened.
Red Tornado(DC) - Seeing the massive storm approach New England, Red Tornado summons an ever BIGGER storm, ripping buildings off of their foundation before pushing super storm Ted ('T' following 'S') off of the coast and consuming Sandy. Three days later, Italy, Syria and Iran and all countries to our east that were in the wake of Mondo Storm Ted try and figure out how they came to be drenched with 40 feet of rain and gale force winds.

Winner: Storm  - Marvel 3, DC 1

Nightmare 5: Syrian Chemical Warfare
Superman(DC) - Meeting the requirements of a being that would not be effected by chemical warfare, the last son of Krypton, with with loving sternness of a parent catching their child's hand in the cookie jar, ends the violence, gets both parties to the negotiating table, and grabs all the stockpiled chemical weapons, including Iran's and North Korea's Nukes for good measure, and hurls them into the sun.
Thor(Marvel) - His Asgardian blood also proving immune to the effects of sarin gas, Thor proceeds to smite those who would do harm. Though for some reason a white European invading their land claiming to be God only infuriates and causes typically peaceful Syrians to take to arms. Several other middle eastern countries soon join the hoard and begin targeting other nations just as Thor is called back home by Odin.

Winner: Superman  - Marvel 3, DC 2

Nightmare 6: Killing Bin Laden
Captain America(Marvel) - Being charged with bringing justice to America's #1 most wanted, Captain America valiantly charges the secret compound, systematically taking out Bin Laden's goons and grasps the so called 'man' himself just as he cracks his suicide pill, thwarting the All-American hero's efforts to bring him to justice alive. Though America and the world rejoices, the pain of failing to present him to officials to answer to war crimes is forever perceived by Steve Rogers as a defeat.
Lobo(DC) - Awakened by the sound of gun fire and maniacal laughter, Bin Laden runs to the window to see the universes most hardened bounty hunter crashing through his compound. Quickly realizing that he has little time, he reaches for his vial of suicide pills, but before his panicked fingers can open the child proof lid, Lobo crashes through his door, grabbing Bin Laden like a rag doll, snapping his arm instantly before any easy way out is obtained. Months later, the severed head of the Al Queda leader is delivered by courier to the Presidents office with instructions on where to send his payment.

Winner: Lobo  - Marvel 3, DC 3

TIE BREAKER ROUND!

Nightmare 7: Financial Cliff
Lex Luthor(DC) - The Country is at peace after a mysterious plane explosion causes the death of the sitting President and several prominent senators known for their outspokenness. Immediately followed by the elected Vice President appointing businessman Lex Luthor as his new Vice President moments before keeling over from a heart attack of unknown origins. Congress quickly relinquishes control of all fiscal policy to the executive branch. Trillions of dollars are quickly reallocated to a top secret program simply called 'Doomsday'. Running the national deficit to 50 Trillion dollars by the end of Lex's first of eight presidential terms.
Magneto(Marvel) - In a demonstration of superiority over man kind, Ian McKellin, I mean Max Eisenhardt, raises an eyebrow and draws out millions of tons of gold and precious metals that was buried deep in the earth. Allowing America to return to a gold standard backed by tangible assets that quickly normalizes money markets, pays off all debt held in America, and preserves the power of the dollar for generations to come. Ron Paul salutes Ian, I mean Magneto, and returns to his home planet.

Winner: Magneto - Marvel 4, DC 3

Marvel Wins! Just like the comics of the early 90's, Marvel proves to be a much more practical and peaceful universe to be a part of. Keep your kids, Krypton. Stay in your cave, Batman. When it comes to saving the real world, I'll take anything that is concocted in Stan Lee's brain any day!

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