MO: Now, please join me in welcoming our two candidates. President Barrack Obama, and Former Governor Mitt Romney.
<The two candidates enter the stage to the crowd's applause.>
MO: Good evening, Mr. President.
Barrack Obama: (Looking back and forth to his left and right): Uhhh… I think there may be an issue here.
MO: There is no issue Mr. President, this is a debate, you do not get teleprompters.
BO: Ah, I see, well then, let me just start off by saying it’s great to be back in whatever swing state this is.
MO: We are in West Virginia, Mr. President.
BO: Oh no! <turns to crowd> I'm not black! Just really tan! Please don't shoot with your guns or pelt me with your Bibles!
MO: I assure you, you are quit safe <turns to Gov. Mitt Romney> And a good evening to you, Governor.
Mitt Romney: It's a pleasure to be here Mo, may I call you Mo? The most amazing thing happened on the way in here, you have these doors on the outside of the arena, I found myself looking quite foolish waiting for one of my butlers to open the doors for me, but it turns out there is this sensor, really neat stuff, and the door opens up for you.
MO: You mean it was an automatic door?
MR: Yes, that is what they call it, really incredible what can happen when American innovation is unleashed.
MO: Very good, their inventors from fifty years ago express their gratitude. Let's get to the questions. First, to the challenger, Governor Romney, millions of Americans are feeling the hardships of a struggling economy, what is your plan to turn it around.
MR: I'm glad you asked, this is a time for people to get serious about our challenges. People come up to me and they say, 'Hey Mitt, you have a great head of hair, what would you due to turn this economy around?' and I say to them, I say 'Average citizen, if we just do the things we do in business everyday, in business, you have to balance a budget, if you don't, you loose money, if you loose money, you go broke, if you go broke, you stop being able to buy things, if you can't buy things, you can't buy paper to print out a budget, and then what is the point? So, what I ask to you, and to my opponent, is this, where did all the paper go?
BO: If I may, I believe that falls on you Mitt, you exported 200 paper mill jobs to a call center in India, had we kept those jobs in whatever swing state they where in, I'm confident, that we would have an abundance of paper, for not only the wealthy like my opponent, and myself <Mitt chuckles to himself>, but for the working families of this great nation.
MO: How very un-enlightening. Mr. President, you spoke of wealth, would you explain to the American people your plan on taxes?
BO: I'd love to! You see, my opponent wants to make the middle class pay more, so that he can pay a lot less. An independent council, and by that I mean I didn't hire them, ran some numbers, and it turns out, that if Mitt passes a $250,000 tax cut for himself, and people like me <Mitt continues to chuckle> then you know what? It would take about 250 American families paying right around $1000 a year more each to pay for it. We tried this once. It didn't work. It's what got us into this mess in the first place! And now, they want us to hand over the keys. Well I say to that, you can help push us out of the ditch, but one of us has to stay in the car, to, you know, hold on to the steering wheel and signal our intentions to the other cars on the road, so I say to my republican colleagues, to get out and uhhhhh.... <BUZZ!>
MO: I'm sorry Mr. President, your time has expired
BO: May I just finish my last thought there.
MO: If the Governor will yield the time
MR: Oh sure, take it away, uncle money bags. <laughs outloud>
BO: Thank you, as I was saying, in conclusion, uhhh... push. Thank you.
MO: Governor Romney, your response.
MR: First of all, I just want to say you are hilarious, I mean, wealthy like you <Romney pulls a wad of hundred from his pocket and wipes a few tears of laughter from his eyes, then casually tosses the bills aside> I have put together a simple, straight forward, 57 point plan to reduce taxes for everyone, and balance the budget. Step one; cut taxes for everyone, step two; buy a race horse for Ann, step three; but a yacht for Tagg, step four; buy a hot air balloon for Ben...
MO: I'm sorry Governor, perhaps for the sake of time we can fast forward past the parts of your plan that involve buying lavish gifts for your family.
MR: Certainly Mo, can I call you Mo? So, let's see, that would be <counts quietly to himself> yes, step fifty-seven; balance the budget. Thank you.
MO: Thank you Governor Romney. The next question is a two part one for you Governor, the President has taken some controversial steps to allow immigrants who came to this country as minors stay in this country legally, Governor, would you reverse these actions? And, what immigration plan would you put into action?
MR: Well, Mo, may I call you Mo? I would undo the presidents policy and enact a policy of self deportation, that is, hire these minors to arrest their own parents and ship both themselves, and their parents back to Mexico, or whatever third world country the Mexican's call home.
MO: And you aren't afraid that would be considered insensitive?
MR: What do you mean?
MO: The imagery of a teenager arresting their own mother might be shocking to some people.
MR: Because... of what... the teenager... is... wearing?
MO: Because of the brutality they would impose on a member of their own family.
MR: Oh family, I am very much in favor of a traditional family!
MO: <shakes head> Mr. President, can you defend your recent actions on immigration.
BO: What state are we in again?
MO: West Virginia, Mr. President.
BO: <Looks into the crowd> No, I can not, but to those Latino families watching at home in Florida, Arizona, and Nevada, you are welcome!
MO: Let's move on to national security. Mr. President, how do you respond to people saying that you are weak on defense?
BO: Weak on defense? I am so far from weak on defense! Who started a secret Cyber War on Iran, who started a secret Drone War on Libya, this guy right here! And the best part is, we won't make any new enemies abroad because no one knows it's us doing it!
MR: I once saved a business that sold weapons overseas, created over 900 jobs for the great state of Massachusetts. But under this President, the company had to be shut down because of Obama Care back in 2005.
MO: The American Care Act was passed in 2009, I believe you mean your Healthcare act you passed in Massachusetts.
MR: Another distortion. I had actually left the office of Governor back in 2004 to save a whale that was trapped under a sheet of ice in Alaska, and it's only pool of water that it could use to breath was slowly freezing over due to reverse global warming, I think they made a movie about it. I had to open up 3 new factories right on the ice shelf to increase the global warming in that area, created 2000 jobs, saved the whales. Afterwards the factories sank into the ocean because they were built atop of the ice that they was melting, luckily, I wrote off the $30 million on my taxes and collected $40 million in management fees, it was a modestly profitable Tuesday, and I am not ashamed of what I earned, and I will defend Bain Capital for the decisions it made.
BO: What about the 600,000 layoffs at Bain owned companies between 2000 and 2002?
MR: That was during a remodeling at Bain, new toilets and such, even got a new name! They called themselves, Bane. Totally different company, I don't know what was going on there during that time, I left my dear old, but totally incompetent, friend Frank in charge during that time.
BO: When are you going to step up and stop passing blame on to your predecessors?
MO: Predecessor? Don't you mean successors?
BO: Uhh.. Mo, Bush was not my successor.
MR: Precisely my point. If the state was empowered, then Obamacare would never have passed. That's why we need to repeal this terrible law.
MO: That statement doesn't really make any sense governor.
OB: If I may interject here. This is what I'm talking about. This is what makes America great. When we all come together and sit around eating gluten free apple pie and some frozen yogurt made by my beautiful wife Michelle.
MO: Again, Mr. President, that statement really fit into the context of the discussion, and I would have to say we drifted off the topic pretty dramatically. In fact I have lost track of the questions entirely so why don't we move on to closing statements, first to you Mr. Romney.
MR: Thank you Mo, may I call you Mo? We are at a historic point in American history. We have the opportunity to do what we have never done before. To vote an African American president out of office, never been done before. I understand that people may not want to do that, I mean look at him! He's tall, dark, handsome, heck, I'd vote for him. So, this election day, I hope, you vote for change.
MO: And to you, Mr. President.
BO: Thank you. Folks, I know times are tough out there. I know that many of you are having troubles making ends meet. You worry about keeping food on your table, and keeping the lights on. Putting gas in your car. You have concerns about terrorists entering this country, some of you are even worried about your rights diminishing due to actions taken in Washington. You've lost faith in the system, and you can't trust what your leaders are telling you. You feel as though we are never going to stop this economical and social down spiral. That we are at risk for being the first generation that will leave things worse off for our children. To all the critics and skeptics out there, I can put your worries to rest with this one simple truth, and that is...<BUZZ!>
MO: My apologies, but we are all out of time, I'd like to thank Governor Romney and President Obama. This is Mo Derator with Kurmudkin News signing off. Good night.
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