Convention Keynotes - DNC Edition

Oh, it wasn't just the Republican's throwing a party out East, And to counter the Elephant men's crazy guy who was arguing with a chair, the Dem's went the cute and cuddly route and marched out a 2 year old who was dying or teething or something, let's take a look at what was said in North Carolina.

*** Democratic National Convention ***

Monday - "Surprise Speaker"

Jim, The Custodian - "I hereby accept your nomination for President of the United State!"

Frank, The Arena Manager - "Get off the stage Jim, the convention doesn't start until tomorrow!"

Jim, The Custodian - "Screw you Frank, YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!"

Tuesday: "Let's Get it Started, HA! Let's Get it Started in Here!"

Deval Patrick - "Let me tell you about the state of Massachusetts Mitt Romney left behind. It is Hell! Children begging on the streets, raging fires, violent crimes on every street corner, and a Boston Red Sox team that can't even make the playoffs." 

Julián Castro - "My Grandmother was a hard working American, she had to enter the fifth season of Top Chef just to pay for my mothers medical bills, not season four where that one chick won, but season five that had that one creepy guy, but I digress, My grandma was paying all my mom's bills and that's why Mitt Romney is so out of touch when he says pay for college with your parents money... waitaminute."

Michelle Obama - "I recall those days when Barrack wasn't a Senator, wasn't the President, he was just a black man in Chicago, driving around in a Caddy with 22 inch rims. Collecting donations from young fellow community organizers on the streets, and when these young female street organizers didn't have any money because times where hard in America, my future husband would just smile and say, 'Is Barrack gonna have to slap a witch?' "

Wednesday: "So Bill Clinton walks into a Martian Bar..."

Nancy Pelosi - "The American dream is on the ballot. Ladders of opportunity for our middle class are on the ballot. So this November, remember to vote for American Dream for deputy sheriff, and Ladders of Opportunity for county treasurer."

Sandra Fluke - "My fellow Americans, I have traveled back in time from the future to give you a grave warning. In the future, woman will have to pay for their birth control, and men will violate woman against their will, and the only way to prevent these events from happening is to give power to a man, a man who is very feminine, who enjoys watching Sex in the City and reading Fifty Shades of Gray, and that man is Barrack Obama!"

Bill Clinton - "Mr. Mayor, fellow Democrats. We are here to nominate a President, and I've got one in mind, it's me! Four more years! Four more years! Fore more years! <This goes on for about an hour> And that is why I should be President, you're welcome America!"

Thursday: "Who are these People?"

Jill Biden - "What does Joe know? I know what Joe know, Joe go and get low at the disco, Joe and Beau walk Bo to and fro, Joe mow around a bungalow, know you know who is Joe."

Joe Biden - "Let me tell you about a great man, Mitt Romney, no no, he's not a bad guy, but what I don't think he understands, is that saving the auto industry was a good thing, he did things the Bain way. Where a company is about making profits and being fiscally viable. But, what he doesn't understand, is that conviction, resolve, and Barrack Obama are what saved the Automobile industry. Not these petty things like sales, writing checks that don't bounce, and making cars that people actually want." 

Barrack Obama - "You're the reason a young man in Colorado who never thought he'd be able to obtain his dream of earning a medical degree is about to get that chance. You made that possible instead of... what... what's that... he shot how many? In the theater? Damn, well, if you, uhhh... oh boy, this is awkward, uhhh....YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!."




What About the Republicans?