Convention Keynotes - RNC Edition

Did we all spend our evenings for the last couple of weeks watching all the convention speeches? Me neither, but I did get the jist of most of them on YouTube, the volume was down but I'm pretty good at reading lips. Allow me to surmise the basics for you in what I got out of the presentations our countries leaders spent the last 2 years rehearsing. (That must have been what they've been doing, it's not like anything else has happened in that time.)

*** Republican National Convention ***

Monday - "Hungry for More"

Reince Priebus - "I hereby call this convention to order! Well, that's enough for one day, anyone know where I can get a good cheeseburger?"

Tuesday: "Republicans are Tired of being Rubbed the Wrong Way"

John Boehner - "So this guy walks into this bar, right, you know, looking for work, and the bar is full of these men, you know, those men, and some guy says 'my privates are doing fine...' wait, why are you all laughing? this is a serious speech! Anyway the point is the guy was thrown out cause he was obviously gay."

Rick Santorum - "My Grandfather had these thick, strong, long hands, and he was tough, working all day in the mines, coming home covered in dirt and sweat, he would take my papa and me into the shower sometimes to get that wonderful American coal off of him in places he couldn't reach, as I got older, I started to dream, to dream of things that made me feel that special warmth in special places, I didn't dare ask him or anyone what that meant, cause otherwise someone may think I'm gay. But, I thank America, and I, gave him more, then he had ever hoped for."

Ann Romney - "I love my boys, I love Mitt Romney, but most of all, I LOVE WOMAN!" 

Chris Christie - "Putting a bureaucrat between an American and their doctor is like putting a brick wall between me and a cheeseburger, like putting a tax form between Romney and his bank account, like putting a shower between Rick Santorum and his soot covered grandfather. No American want's to see that happen!"

Wednesday: "The New Faces of the Old Administration."

John McCain - "People are hurting, dying, crying out for American Leadership, and this administration has done nothing in response. I tried to lead, I tried to become your president four years ago, but the American people refused me. So, I am left with the next best thing that I can do for this country, I am un-retiring from the navy, and going over to the Middle East to serve. I gonna make those who would oppress their own people hurt like my morning pee, USA! USA! USA!"

Condolezza Rice - "We have never believed that I am doing poorly because you are doing well, we've never been jealous of one another or envious of each others successes. But now, we need to send a message to all of those Americans out there who are still without work, still without hope. That message is this, I've been retired for 4 years, and I'm doing great!"

Paul Ryan - "With all their attack ads, the President is just throwing away money, and he's pretty experienced at that. Just the other day our campaign caught Obama stuffing hundred dollar bills into his car tires to keep them inflated, he also threw a wade of ones into a furnace to warm up his office in July. But, the most insulting thing, was when he threw a hundred dollar bill into a change machine at a laundry mat, just so he could take all the quarters and laugh at people when they couldn't get any quarters for the machines."

Thursday: "The Crazy Man and the Chair"

Clint Eastwood - "This President is nothing more then an empty suit, and to help me make my point, I brought ny dear friend, Sherri, the Chairy. Hey Sherri, what do you think of this president, huh? What's that? Cat got your tongue? Eh, what do you know anyway, you're just an empty chair, wait, that's funny, I just got that. Where am I again?"

Marco Rubio - "As a boy, I would sit on our porch and listen to my father's stories about history, politics and baseball while we puffed on one of his three daily Padron cigars. I recall hacking up lungs, developing emphysema by age eight, and a bad case of throat cancer by age ten, and then developing a cardiac arrhythmia that made me realize, I am an American!"

Mitt Romney - "So we started a new business called Bain Capital. The only problem was, while WE believed in ourselves, nobody else did. We were young and had never done this before and we almost didn’t get off the ground. Then one night while tossing and turning in Ann and I's twin size be, my Rolex got caught on a seem, and the mattress ripped open, revealing $500,000,000 that I had tucked in there one week after my allowance. And it's been one crazy ride ever since then."

What About the Democrats?