NFL Headlines

You can thank my wife for the triumphant return of...

NFL HEADLINES!

Rex Ryan starts new 'stress diet'. Looses 50 pounds in one loss to New England.

Bill Belichick was visibly ecstatic after his team blocked a field goal with seconds left to hold off the Jets. When asked if he was happy and proud of his team for it's tenacity, he nodded twice.

In anticipation of a great season, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has begun plans for anew, state of the art stadium with a jumbo-tron that will dwarf his current one with the added benefit of blocking field goals.

In related stadium news, the Atlanta Falcons announced a new feature for their new stadium that promises to have pillars and other obstructions strategically placed to make the falcons appear better then then actually are.

Brett Favre takes to twitter to congratulate Payton Manning on breaking his all time touchdown record. It was later revealed that Brett would have called Payton, but was on the phone with Minnesota planning a comeback at the time.

Brett Favre also has struck a deal to become the new spokesman for MicroTouch. Insiders say the deal almost didn't get finished due to Brett's insistence that his testimonial include how he uses the device to shave his junk before sending lude pictures to former colleagues. 

Tony Sparano was asked what the odds are of the Raiders finishing the season with an 0 and 16 record. Tony immediately recanted by saying "0 and 16, we should be so lucky!"

California hopes to crack down on traffic violations. The plan is that rather then issuing speeding tickets, they will begin issuing Raider's tickets.

Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson met with the intention on forming a new football league specifically for people banned from the NFL. Team names that are being mentioned are 'The Switches', 'The Elevator Doorman', 'The Whoopings', 'The Cold Clockers' among others. Rodger Goddell has inquired about an opening in their league central office.

The Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport had ceased all inbound flights from Cleveland after hearing that there was a passenger infected with the experience of watching a Browns game. As a precaution, the Cowboys have begun testing alternate jerseys to prevent the spread of any game play that could be construed as 'Clevelandesk'.

Tim Tebow spends first 30 minutes of his debut on the SEC network replaying footage of all his game winning drives with the Denver Broncos while constantly looking to the camera talking about how good he looks in Jaguar teal and gold.

There are growing concerns over a defenses ability to play pass coverage after the NFL announced a new policy of having a trained psychologist be present at the end of every play in order to ask every wide receiver to point on a doll where the mean corner back touched him. 

And Lastly, in Fantasy news, does anyone want to trade for Reggie Wayne? Seriously, he is doing nothing for me and I really need a running back. Crazy thing when you draft Adrian Peterson and Zac Stacy in the first 2 rounds of your draft...ugh.

NFL Headlines

Back by popular demand (of my Wife), here are your week 7 NFL headlines:

After seeing an episode of Castle, Carrie Underwood reconsiders her claim that "Al and Chris are the best on TV"

House Majority Speaker John Boehner weighs in on Redskins name controversy, asking why a sports team hasn't been called he 'Orangeskins' yet.

Single Decent drive by New York Giants proves to be too much for Minnesota Vikings to handle.

In an effort to steal more screen time, Ray Lewis tasks Steve Young to fly ahead to the City for the next 'Battle of the Unbeaten' game.

San Diego considers name change to 'Powder Blues' resulting in over 6,000 pieces of hate mail from outspoken Smurf community.

After Denver's first and only Loss, Payton Manning claims he has the rest of the NFL "Right where he wants them."

Despite the Packers arriving for the game in vintage uniforms, Browns remain the undisputed champion of most boring jerseys.

After sending nine pro bowlers to Hawaii despite a four win season last year, Chiefs quoted as expecting to send no fewer then their entire first and second string to this years Pro Bowl.

God answers Tim Tebow's prayers to hurt every quarterback on a team that would even remotely consider signing him. Tebow remains unsigned.

Patriots fans write in droves to Commissioners office about the use of obscure rule after loss to Jets. NFL office to file all complaints between existing folders for 'Tuck' and 'Irony'.

Florida passes anti-bullying law at request of thin skinned Jaguar players.

49ers fail to raise Titan's players ire with the game time taunt "Who's an immortal mythological God-like creature now?"

Ahead of next Sunday night's game, NBC plans to air 10 minute tribute to the Packers Championship teams, followed by a 12 second documentary labeled "Great Moments in Vikings Playoff history".

Eagles fans on the look out for potential third 'Quarterback of the Future' of the season.

Colts improve to 5-2, clinch AFC South.

Referees from around league to convene at the End of Thursdays Panters/Bucs game to determine if they could beat Tampa Bay if given the chance.

Vikings coaches admit a coin flip was used to determine the Vikings starting quarterback this week, Cassell called 'shirts' Freeman never showed up. Vikings decide no one deserved to play QB Monday night.

Falcons say of single score win against 0-7 Buccaneers "This is the kind of win you can hang your hat on." Team proceeds to not prepare for next week.

Ravens front office desperately looks for loopholes in Joe Flacco's contract.

Andrew Luck and Archie Manning to appear in upcoming paternity test episode of 'Murray'.



  

Engineer Jokes

Time again for a random post weekend. Heard a couple good jones last week and decided to add those to some other ones I'd heard over the years, plus a few other ones found in the seedy underbelly of internet webstes that probably haven't been updated since 1998. Enjoy!

• An engineer, an architect, and a statistician are out hunting. A wonderful 10 point buck appears 50 yards before them. The engineer shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left, the architect steps up, aims, and takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right, the statistician jumps up and yells “We got ‘em!”

• A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are golfing, and are stuck behind the slowest foursome in history. They watch the foursome in front of them play, and their ineptitude is unbelievable. Shanks into the woods, worm-burners, slices, hooks, you name it. The course manager comes along, and the three men start to complain to him about the golfers up ahead.The manager explains, "Those are four blind firemen. They all lost their eyesight while saving people from a fire in our clubhouse last year. We let them play for free whenever they want." The three golfers now feel a little remorse for mocking the firemen and start to discuss amongst themselves. "I'm going to go back to my church and say a special prayer for those men tonight," remarks the priest. The doctor responds in turn, "I have a couple ophthalmologist friends...I'll call them tonight and see if there's anything they can do for them." The engineer looks out in front of him and says. "Why can't these guys play at night?"

• A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed. Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid. At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.

• A group of engineers have formed a new band called 999MB, but you probably haven't heard of them since they don't have a gig yet. (Ok, that's an old IT joke, but it's still pretty funny)

• An engineer, a scientist, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland. On the top of a hill they see a black sheep. “What do you know,” the engineer remarks. “The sheep in Scotland are black.” “No, no”, protests the scientist. “At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.” The philosopher considers this a moment. “That’s not quite right. There’s at least one sheep which is black from one side.”

• How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows, everyone else just assumes it's magic.

• An optimist sees the glass half full. A pessimist sees the glass half empty. An engineer sees a glass twice as big as it needs to be.

• An Engineer gets home from work and sees a note on the fridge from his wife. "This isn't working, I've gone to stay with my mom". he opens the fridge and checks the light, then grabs a beer and feels that it's cold. The engineer thinks to himself. "The fridge works fine"

• An engineering major sees classmate riding up on a new bike and asks when he got it. "I was walking back from the computer lab when the most beautiful woman I had ever seen rode up on this bike, stopped, took all her clothes off and said to me 'Take what you want!'" "Good choice," the friend replies. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

NFL Headlines

For those of you that have a passive interest in the NFL, here are your Week 1 football Headlines:

Cleveland Browns threaten to Draft Johnny 'Football' Manzel if he doesn't start acting more mature.

Tebow struggles to decide which of his zero options to pursue.

Jacksonville Jaguars consider idea to let opposing team play offense the entire game.

Rex Ryan declares Jets biggest win of the season is now behind them, congratulates Patriots on their week 2 victory.

Ex-Patriot Aaron Hernandez asks judge if they would please 'Shove it" and let him get back to "Earning those phat stacks of cash, your honor".

New clear bag requirements in Broncos home opener reveals that everyone in Denver travels with at least 3 pounds of marijuana on their persons at all times.

Falcons fans dismayed why Saints players didn't just roll over and "take it!"

Manning brothers to meet up for brunch and consider playing hooky in week 2.

Colts players apologize to Raiders fans for breaking their teams perfect season.

Proposal for throwback Cheese Head day in Green Bay using actually cheese from the seventies met with confusion and Febreze.

Chargers players vow that next week they won't be thrown off by the need to play a fourth quarter.

Drinking game based on the number of times Jon Gruden says 'Man' during a game results in 4 deaths from alcohol poisoning.

Ndamukong Suh graciously returns part of his signing bonus to the league, celebrates by letting Vikings kick him in the side.

Calvin 'Megatron' Johnson tries to enact the Calvin Johnson amendment to the Calvin Johnson rule, it is immediately overturned causing teammate Ndamukong Suh to retract his earlier gift to the league and chop block an opposing player in frustration, resulting in a fine.





There you are folks, you should be able to have your two cents added to any water cooler talk for the remainder of the week.

Obviously! (An update to 'Seriously?')

Almost one year ago to date, I created a blog post on the disappointments that I've come across in my days. Some might refer to issues ranging from unstuffed cheese sticks and yielding to paraplegics as first world problems, to which I quickly retort, "Yeah, you're probably right.". The first photo of my collection was of a Taco Bell taco that was severely lacking in the 'everything' category.

Today, however, I post bearing good news, treating myself to a rare trip through the Taco Bell drive up lane I once again decided that a Doritos Locos Taco sounded good. I proceeded to over-enunciate my order (dor-REE-toes), paid, received and enjoyed a nice 'full' taco.

When I was done enjoying my junk food inspired, sodium ridden, largely, mostly, a slim majority, some beef included meal, I began discarding the wrappers and containers, but paused when tossing my receipt upon noticing the 'NEW iPad!' print on the back side that peaked my interest to read more. The concept was straightforward enough; take a short survey, win an iPad, 'eh why not?

My experience was overall pretty good, and I started to fill out the survey as such, but did a double take when I came across the question "Was your Taco visually full?"

I've done it! Obviously, my subtle and condescending outcry a year ago has forced the hand of the taco titan to change it's ways, and it was just waiting for me to give them another chance to fulfill its mission to satisfy my desire for 'visually full' tacos. Upon hitting the 'Yes' option, I can only assume that a board of shadowy figures burst out in jubilation and back patting.

Well done Taco Bell, in the universe of winning my over my own little consumer report, you have upgraded your status to a solid 'C+' wedging you between second hand ladder shops and gardening centers owned by people named 'Doug'. And, should this ringing endorsement move you to reimburse my good will towards you, you already know how to get a hold of me.

BOOBS!

Now that I have your attention, it's time for another political rant, but the central players are those lovely mammaries that, much like Saturday morning cartoons, we learned to love as a child and still try and get a peak at from time to time when our wives aren't looking.  

As a result of a provision in the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), health insurance plans now have to cover the full cost of breast pumps for nursing mothers. The new rule took effect for many people at the start of 2013. It's led to a boom in the sale of the pumps, a heaving surge in demand, a swelling bottom line, the executives are tickled, and shareholders dividends have been nursed well from the result of the sales of these pumps, which can cost hundreds of dollars.

Advocates of requiring insurance companies to pay for breast pumps say that the measure will pay for itself in the long run. A very scientific looking study found that people who suckle on breasts tend to have fewer health problems. It is not too far fetched say the same may be true for babies, and paying for breast pumps should mean more babies are breast fed. There is, however, another aspect to consider, new moms now seem more likely to splurge on fancy new things for their breasts, including breast pumps. If you purchased the cheapest pump you could buy last year, and this year you can get the most expensive one free, why wouldn't you not only buy another one?

It is in that last statement that this issue takes flight, for it is not you who is forking over the hundreds of dollars, it is everyone. Weird things happen when you take price out of the equation for consumers. For one thing, they stop looking for the best price. But, even though breast pumps are free for new moms, somebody has to pay for them. Health insurance premiums are driven by how much we spend on health care. The more things that are covered by health insurance policies, the more premiums have to rise to cover that spending. This is being proven over and over again as premiums continue to rise at alarming rates in the wake of Obamacare, which had been promised to stifle such increases, yet here we are about 3 years later looking like a group of dumbfounded men staring at, well, you know where I'm going with that.

I have spent many hours researching breasts on the internet, and have concluded that we are going about this issue all wrong, that it is not an issue where we should be concerned about the health of the baby, but about the general well being of our baby momma's. We should hold them close, and comfort them, stroke their hair and see if they smell nice.

The worst part is people will see free and forget that nothing is free. Then about half of the population will see breasts and forget about all the other problems this bill continues to shine a pair of headlights on.

10 Best Biden Gaffes

So many to choose from, but here is my list for the 10 best Biden Gaffes.

10. "There's never been a day in the last four years I've been proud to be his VP."

Giddy, Dazzled, Confounded? Sure, but never proud.

9. “I promise you, the president has a big stick.”

Obama laments giving Biden unmitigated access to the White House gym showers.

8. "A very good political speech from a lieutenant governor of Alaska."

People think he mistook Palen as the Lt. Governor, but Sean Parnell gives a mean speech.

7. "This is a Big f—ing deal."

This is bigger then when McDonald's did buy one get one for what the temperate was yesterday.

6. “Spread your legs, you’re gonna be frisked,”

Just keeping up with the latest security measures enacted for the capitol.

5. "You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking,"

I tried it once, he's right, I had to settle for Donutland.

4. "Three letters: J-O-B-S."

When trying to convince voters that you’re qualified to be the president’s number two, you might want to make sure they know you can count to four. Biden second grade teacher would not be pleased with this one.

3. "This is the guy who's running all the ads here in Iowa."
I take a fair amount of personal offense being from Iowa. How could you get the two states confused? Iowa doesn't have any professional football teams, while Ohio has one. (Of course, the Browns don't count)

2. “Stand up, Chuck”

A failed attempt to kick start a career as a TV evangelist.

1. "Put you all back in chains"

By which of course he meant all that mad bling that the predominantly African American crowd would be able to buy with the crazy tax cuts they would have gotten under Romney.

Bonus: "President Biden"

Road Rage Diaries

The following internal monologue was observed circa 2012;

Yeah, I see you there...

If your crappy Silverado stays up the arse of my Santa Fe any longer, I'll expect a bill for colorectal services  in my mailbox. Yes, the light for the cross traffic is yellow, which is practically red, which means our light is practically green, which means I can practically go. I can tell this is all very upsetting to you because your face is taking up half of my rear view mirror and you still seem to be inching closer.

Oh nice, you need to take a left turn at the next intersection as well. At least that's what I'm assuming since you followed me into the turn only lane while never leaving more then 5 feet between our respective vehicles. You know they put turn signals on these things for a reason, not saying that people can't "figure it out", but it's just common courtesy. Ah, I see, NOW you turn on your signal, you must have needed the last 10 seconds of being at a complete stop in a turn lane to really absorb your surroundings.

The speed limit here is still 55, they didn't change the signs the instant we passed them, at least I don't think they did. You know the National Highway Traffic Safety Association recommends at least a 2 second count between vehicles, I'd say right now you are sitting right around 'Zero Mississippi'.

Finally, I need to make a turn that you don't, at least it appears that way since you are once again not using any turn signals, but the instant I dropped to 54 mph you run up on the shoulder of the road to get around me. I have a feeling you were well on your way to your destination, or to the ditch. Yes, your beat up old Chevy makes that cute little revving noise letting all the residents in a 3 mile radius know how much of a hurry you are in.


---DRIVE SAFE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON EVERYONE!!---

The Debate Drinking Game

This past winter, during the President's state of the union speech, I tried something new and exciting; The State of the Union Drinking Game.

The premise was simple, pour yourself two drinks, my preference was a classic margarita in one glass, and a strawberry margarita in another. Whenever President Obama says the word "Hope", I took a swig of the classic margarita, and whenever he said "Change", a swig of the strawberry. I had to check the official transcript since I didn't keep an accurate count, I just know that I was still recognizing things afterwards and didn't have to call in sick to work. Hope = 2, Change =8 (and I counted hopeful as 1).

This Wednesday I plan on continuing my own little tradition of making politicking a little less painful by continuing my tradition. Current plan is to use a couple left over Mike's from this weekend of tailgating in Ames, IA. Peach Margarita Mike's will be when one of the candidates says something close to the statement "My opponent want's you to believe..." or "My opponent says that..." basically the idea of putting words in their opponents mount starting with the statement "My opponent...". A Raspberry Mike's will be used when the line "Under my Plan..." or some close rendition there-abouts.

The objective here is simple, to feel better about myself and the path of the country by the time the debate is over using God's greatest gift to mankind to bypass the need to actually believe what the candidates say and  having a good feeling about what is going to happen to the nation under the guidance of either of these men. If this means having to hover a toilet for the successive several hours and missing a day of work, so be it. You never know, maybe one of these fine gents will inspire me and completely change my perspective about this election, but depending on how active they are with my preceding set of rules, I may or may not even remember if they did.

Money Disparity

Who's money is this?

The Los Angeles Times did a piece about how President Obama is employing roughly twice as many paid staffers for his campaign then Gov. Mitt Romney, for about the same amount of money. Here is a litany of legitimate reasons for this;

1. Half of Obama's Staff is paid with unemployment checks.
2. Romney thinks a fair livable wage is $250/hr.
3. Half of Obama's staff is made up of fake names.
4. Romney pays his staff in stock options from his personal investment portfolio, which he calls the CAYMAN CHA CHING!
5. Obama has "Work for the same wage as the homeless" Wednesdays.
6. Romney has "Work for the same wage as me" Mondays, from Noon to 12:01pm.
7. Obama charges his employees 35%, plus a 5% sir tax to work for him.
8. Romney is paying off staffers from the last 10 years of campaigns, but refuses to release any of their names.
9. Obama is waiting until after re-election, then he will "Have more flexibility" to pay his staffers.
10. The other half of Romney's campaign works in India.
11. Obama's staff took a 50% pay cut on the promise they get to meet Beyonce.
12. Romney just pays his staff with whatever change he finds in his couch cushion.
13. Obama declared himself half of his staff exempt from pay.
14. Romney likes to surround himself with rich people.
15. Obama pays his staff with U.S. Treasury Bonds.
16. The other half of Romney's staff is on strike, Obama has no comment.

Why don't the poor just buy some more money?

Hopefully that clears up some confusions. As with most things this election cycle, just doing a little bit of investigative journalism will bring all these things to light. What's that? You don't believe that I spent tedious painstaking hours putting these 'facts' together. Well, what good are facts, when you have THE TRUTH on your side!

Convention Keynotes - DNC Edition

Oh, it wasn't just the Republican's throwing a party out East, And to counter the Elephant men's crazy guy who was arguing with a chair, the Dem's went the cute and cuddly route and marched out a 2 year old who was dying or teething or something, let's take a look at what was said in North Carolina.

*** Democratic National Convention ***

Monday - "Surprise Speaker"

Jim, The Custodian - "I hereby accept your nomination for President of the United State!"

Frank, The Arena Manager - "Get off the stage Jim, the convention doesn't start until tomorrow!"

Jim, The Custodian - "Screw you Frank, YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!"

Tuesday: "Let's Get it Started, HA! Let's Get it Started in Here!"

Deval Patrick - "Let me tell you about the state of Massachusetts Mitt Romney left behind. It is Hell! Children begging on the streets, raging fires, violent crimes on every street corner, and a Boston Red Sox team that can't even make the playoffs." 

Julián Castro - "My Grandmother was a hard working American, she had to enter the fifth season of Top Chef just to pay for my mothers medical bills, not season four where that one chick won, but season five that had that one creepy guy, but I digress, My grandma was paying all my mom's bills and that's why Mitt Romney is so out of touch when he says pay for college with your parents money... waitaminute."

Michelle Obama - "I recall those days when Barrack wasn't a Senator, wasn't the President, he was just a black man in Chicago, driving around in a Caddy with 22 inch rims. Collecting donations from young fellow community organizers on the streets, and when these young female street organizers didn't have any money because times where hard in America, my future husband would just smile and say, 'Is Barrack gonna have to slap a witch?' "

Wednesday: "So Bill Clinton walks into a Martian Bar..."

Nancy Pelosi - "The American dream is on the ballot. Ladders of opportunity for our middle class are on the ballot. So this November, remember to vote for American Dream for deputy sheriff, and Ladders of Opportunity for county treasurer."

Sandra Fluke - "My fellow Americans, I have traveled back in time from the future to give you a grave warning. In the future, woman will have to pay for their birth control, and men will violate woman against their will, and the only way to prevent these events from happening is to give power to a man, a man who is very feminine, who enjoys watching Sex in the City and reading Fifty Shades of Gray, and that man is Barrack Obama!"

Bill Clinton - "Mr. Mayor, fellow Democrats. We are here to nominate a President, and I've got one in mind, it's me! Four more years! Four more years! Fore more years! <This goes on for about an hour> And that is why I should be President, you're welcome America!"

Thursday: "Who are these People?"

Jill Biden - "What does Joe know? I know what Joe know, Joe go and get low at the disco, Joe and Beau walk Bo to and fro, Joe mow around a bungalow, know you know who is Joe."

Joe Biden - "Let me tell you about a great man, Mitt Romney, no no, he's not a bad guy, but what I don't think he understands, is that saving the auto industry was a good thing, he did things the Bain way. Where a company is about making profits and being fiscally viable. But, what he doesn't understand, is that conviction, resolve, and Barrack Obama are what saved the Automobile industry. Not these petty things like sales, writing checks that don't bounce, and making cars that people actually want." 

Barrack Obama - "You're the reason a young man in Colorado who never thought he'd be able to obtain his dream of earning a medical degree is about to get that chance. You made that possible instead of... what... what's that... he shot how many? In the theater? Damn, well, if you, uhhh... oh boy, this is awkward, uhhh....YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!."




What About the Republicans?

Convention Keynotes - RNC Edition

Did we all spend our evenings for the last couple of weeks watching all the convention speeches? Me neither, but I did get the jist of most of them on YouTube, the volume was down but I'm pretty good at reading lips. Allow me to surmise the basics for you in what I got out of the presentations our countries leaders spent the last 2 years rehearsing. (That must have been what they've been doing, it's not like anything else has happened in that time.)

*** Republican National Convention ***

Monday - "Hungry for More"

Reince Priebus - "I hereby call this convention to order! Well, that's enough for one day, anyone know where I can get a good cheeseburger?"

Tuesday: "Republicans are Tired of being Rubbed the Wrong Way"

John Boehner - "So this guy walks into this bar, right, you know, looking for work, and the bar is full of these men, you know, those men, and some guy says 'my privates are doing fine...' wait, why are you all laughing? this is a serious speech! Anyway the point is the guy was thrown out cause he was obviously gay."

Rick Santorum - "My Grandfather had these thick, strong, long hands, and he was tough, working all day in the mines, coming home covered in dirt and sweat, he would take my papa and me into the shower sometimes to get that wonderful American coal off of him in places he couldn't reach, as I got older, I started to dream, to dream of things that made me feel that special warmth in special places, I didn't dare ask him or anyone what that meant, cause otherwise someone may think I'm gay. But, I thank America, and I, gave him more, then he had ever hoped for."

Ann Romney - "I love my boys, I love Mitt Romney, but most of all, I LOVE WOMAN!" 

Chris Christie - "Putting a bureaucrat between an American and their doctor is like putting a brick wall between me and a cheeseburger, like putting a tax form between Romney and his bank account, like putting a shower between Rick Santorum and his soot covered grandfather. No American want's to see that happen!"

Wednesday: "The New Faces of the Old Administration."

John McCain - "People are hurting, dying, crying out for American Leadership, and this administration has done nothing in response. I tried to lead, I tried to become your president four years ago, but the American people refused me. So, I am left with the next best thing that I can do for this country, I am un-retiring from the navy, and going over to the Middle East to serve. I gonna make those who would oppress their own people hurt like my morning pee, USA! USA! USA!"

Condolezza Rice - "We have never believed that I am doing poorly because you are doing well, we've never been jealous of one another or envious of each others successes. But now, we need to send a message to all of those Americans out there who are still without work, still without hope. That message is this, I've been retired for 4 years, and I'm doing great!"

Paul Ryan - "With all their attack ads, the President is just throwing away money, and he's pretty experienced at that. Just the other day our campaign caught Obama stuffing hundred dollar bills into his car tires to keep them inflated, he also threw a wade of ones into a furnace to warm up his office in July. But, the most insulting thing, was when he threw a hundred dollar bill into a change machine at a laundry mat, just so he could take all the quarters and laugh at people when they couldn't get any quarters for the machines."

Thursday: "The Crazy Man and the Chair"

Clint Eastwood - "This President is nothing more then an empty suit, and to help me make my point, I brought ny dear friend, Sherri, the Chairy. Hey Sherri, what do you think of this president, huh? What's that? Cat got your tongue? Eh, what do you know anyway, you're just an empty chair, wait, that's funny, I just got that. Where am I again?"

Marco Rubio - "As a boy, I would sit on our porch and listen to my father's stories about history, politics and baseball while we puffed on one of his three daily Padron cigars. I recall hacking up lungs, developing emphysema by age eight, and a bad case of throat cancer by age ten, and then developing a cardiac arrhythmia that made me realize, I am an American!"

Mitt Romney - "So we started a new business called Bain Capital. The only problem was, while WE believed in ourselves, nobody else did. We were young and had never done this before and we almost didn’t get off the ground. Then one night while tossing and turning in Ann and I's twin size be, my Rolex got caught on a seem, and the mattress ripped open, revealing $500,000,000 that I had tucked in there one week after my allowance. And it's been one crazy ride ever since then."

What About the Democrats?