Fiscal Cliff Solved

Like a bully holding a child's favorite toy just out of reach during a school yard altercation, so too, this government holds the promise of lower taxes and responsible government hostage to the innocent middle classes. After decades of wealth being created by those who now mysteriously have wealth, while those who never had wealth continue to not create wealth, are doomed to suffer in a world where they still don't have wealth. Gone are the never existing days when a generation of middle-class families where not having to worry about paying bills or putting food on the table, after a historic recession that plunged our economy into a crisis from which, three years after technically being over, we are still fighting to recover from, it is time to construct an economy that is built to last longer then the three weeks the current one was designed to last for. To this end, I give you my proposal to put America back on the path that led to this problem in the first place... In the hopes that the laughable left and the ridiculous right will find some common ground to start from and fix this mess we are in.

The Fiscal Year 2013: Kurmudkin Budget Proposal.

The Budget Message of the President

In the Year 2008, this house of Cards we call an economy collapsed,  and  unlike a pole dancer who was under the stage lights too long and collapsed into a sweaty naked pile of well toned feminine flesh, this collapse was ugly, like an ugly pole dancer who collapsed after being under stage lights too long. In this budget, I hope to address everything from the rising cost of groceries to the rising cost of college tuition. This may come as a bit of a shock since at no point I propose any real plans to address tuition or groceries, but there is a line at the end of one of the pages, I forget which one, that talks about a $6,000,000,000.00 slush fund. Just assume that part of that will go to solving a lot of the problems with the country today. Thank you.

Building a Strong Economy

What is an economy? Webster defines it as " the management of household or private affairs and especially expenses". Who better to build up a strong economy then the government? 'nuff said.

"Tax" Reform, Reducing the Deficit, and Asking All to Pay Their Fair Share

After minutes of contemplation it occurred to me. Why are we wasting so much time trying to get money from rich people only to end up without their money and occurring all this debt? The answer seems clear. Rather then taking people's money, we are just going to start handing out the government's debt! Everyone look in your mailboxes for a stack of I.O.U.'s with uncle Sam's name scratched out and a space for you to fill out your name and phone number, and expect some calls from creditors soon. 

Investing in Our Future

Most Sci-Fi novelists agree, that in the future, we will be conquered by a super intelligent race of aliens that vaguely resemble giant slugs. In preparation for such a day, several new government bureaucracies will be developed, charged with the task of designing welcome signs for our soon to be alien overlords.

Budget Changes to Major Government Entities

Department of Agriculture - $60,000,000 in new spending to discover a weight loss diet that consists of cheeseburgers and pudding pops.

Department of Commerce - $100,000,000,000 in federal backed loans to Wal Mart, in the hopes of showing that the Federal Government can invest in a company that doesn't go bankrupt within a year.

Department of Defense - Cut by $4,000,000,000,000 and outsource all military operations to Canada. 

Department of Education - Increase funding by $5,000,000,000,000 from the defense budget savings and then outsource to Canada, also. (There are no typos in this line.)

Department of Energy - Pass new Auto regulations that will require all automobiles to run off the tears of children by 2023.

Department of Health and Human Services - Raise the funding to Medicare, Obama-care  Medicaid, Medicare Part D, SCHIP, Planned Parenthood, AARP, and Extreme Makeover: Wightloss Edition bu 7000%, then appoint a special panel that will figure out how to pay for the other half of these programs.

Department of Homeland Security - Funding for a research program to determine why this department exists in the first place.

Department of the Interior - Develop plans to move this department outdoors.

Department of Justice - Reduce Judicial staff by 80% as new laws do not require as many warrants to be signed. Use savings to allow Department of the Interior to purchase plants for their new location.

Department of Labor - Increase staff by 500,000 per month until unemployment goes down below 4%, with a 'trigger' that will fire them all unless incumbents are all re-elected.

Department of State - Grant one "Get out of a Political Debacle Free" card, then use said card. 

Department of Transportation - Develop plans for a super extensive luxury commuter line, then forbid anyone from using it HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Department of Treasury - Like we could actually tell these guys what to do.

Department of Veteran Affairs - $80,000,000,000 for a new administrative building, authorize the hiring of several new bureaucrats, then several more bureaucrats to address the needs of the ever expanding bureaucracy. Then outsource the task of determining why Vet's aren't getting the benefits they where promised.

In Summary

We're screwed.

There you have it, the new benchmark for negotiations. I suspect that it has has as good of a chance of being implemented as anything that comes out of Washington over the next few weeks. Thank you for reading, or as our to-be alien masters would say, "Ess-Karr-Go'h!"