Secretary of State Candidates

With all the news of Newtown, Benghazi, and the fiscal cliff flooding the news, who has time to research the candidates to fill in for outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton? Now that Ambassador Rice has bowed out of the competition, who has the time to look into who may be stepping up to replace her? I'll tell you who has the time! I DO! Here is a list of the front runners for the job, along with some dark horses.

The Candidates for Secretary of State:

Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.)
Acceptance Response - "I'm just a scared little boy from out of town, and I'll do anything to be in the national spotlight"

Favorite Color -Ohio Blue
Favorite Hobby - Voting for bills, and then voting against them
Best Qualification - Met with several foreign dignitaries over lunch back in '04, but he can't tell you their names. But man, where they ever impressed by him.
Resume - Senior Senator from Massachusetts. The Home state of Scott Brown, senate hopeful in 2013.



National Security Adviser Thomas Donilon
Acceptance Response - "Let me guess, you couldn't find anyone better?"
Favorite Color - Pink Slip Pink
Favorite Hobby - Eliminating Competition
Best Qualification - Recommended Amb. Rice be appointed World Bank President and removed from Secretary of State competition way before she was ran out of the running, now he backs Samantha Power for Secretary of something-something not the job he wants.
Resume - Graduated from the Catholic University of America, yes, this place exists... , currently on Review Team for new Secretary of State.


NSC official Samantha Power
Acceptance Response - "Free Tibet!"
Favorite Color - Luck of the Irish Green
Favorite Hobby - Protesting
Best Qualification - Has been with Obama since nearly the beginning of his National career, that's right, 7 long years.
Resume - Senior Director for Multilateral Affairs. Yeah, we have no idea what that means either.



Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn.)
Acceptance Response - "I think I can squeeze that in."
Favorite Color - Dark Horse Candidate Black
Favorite Hobby - Skirting around his tax bill
Best Qualification - A Black, Muslim, politician who doesn't pay his taxes. What more do you want?
Resume - See above.




Fmr. President Bill Clinton
Acceptance Response - "Hot Digidy!"
Favorite Color -Stained Dress White
Favorite Hobby - Turning off the Air Conditioner and seeing how long it takes for a bead of sweat to run from your neck to your butt crack
Best Qualification - That Slick Willy Charm
Resume - Too loaded to be brought down to the level of Secretary of State.





ObamaBot
Acceptance Response - "Yes, I can"
Favorite Color -Black and White, but never Grey
Favorite Hobby - None
Best Qualification - $347 Billion worth of stimulus funds went in to Obama-Bots design, construction was outsourced.
Resume - About the same as Obama's back in '08