Party Positions in 2064

Inspired by a casual conversation with my Wife. We take a look into the future to see what the political stances of the two major parties will be in the year 2064.

On the use of Military Might.

Democrats will fully support the use of androids, robots, drones and terminators without congressional approval as a means of eliminating all foreign threats so long as none of the aforementioned weapons are built with boots on them.

Republicans will continue the fight to extend rights, benefits, and freedoms to our veteran androids, robots, drones, and terminators much in the same way it has fought to extend religious freedoms to corporations. The rights to life will also extend to ingots of steel and boxes of electronic components under the slogan "We are the voice for the not yet assembled"

On the Federal Debt and Spending

Democrats will continue to push for an additional $80,000,000,000,000 in stimulus for fiscal year 2065 because the federal interest rate of -8.5%  is far better then the inflation rate of 58%

Republicans will capitulate on increasing the federal spending limit on a week by week basis, attaching it to a continuing resolution to keep the federal government open so long as the following week's cafeteria menu has spaghetti down for every day.

On Healthcare

Democrats will finally be able to tout the completion of www.Healthcare.gov as a completely error free way to sign up for healthcare just in time for the advent of the latest form of communication and interaction, black holes. The government's new platform for signing up for healthcare will be located at emcc://healthcare.temporalrift.gov. However, upon launch it would accidentally suck in 1 out of 3 people that tried to sign up and empty them through a singularity onto the planet B'larb. Democrats will insist the fissure in time and space is being worked on and that you should not be discouraged from using the rift.

Republicans will press for allowing health insurance plans to be purchased on an individual by individual basis from competing companies. Of course, after 50 years of Obamacare, the industry has been so tightly restricted that any discernible difference from one company to the next will amount to little more then minors changes in the name of one company to the next. When a Republican candidate give the example of "Choosing between insurance company A and company B." People will accuse them of being on the payroll of insurance companies that are actually called 'Company A', and 'Company B'.

On The 2nd Amendment

Democrats will continue to insist that the founding fathers never intended that the 2nd Amendment was meant for the average citizen be armed with a death ray that vaporizes everything in it's path.

Republicans will continue to defend the right using the argument that the people need to be able to defend themselves should the government ever decide to turn it's even larger death ray against them.

On Workers Pay


Democrats will be in a bind when their voting block of imported sentient robots will demand merit based pay for merit based work once the robots realize that they are 600 times more productive then their flesh based counterparts.

Republicans will be fighting to abolish the national minimum wage of $673.23/hr. leaving it up to the states to set their own levels. They will argue "The 1800 dollars per hour minimum wage for Seattle may be OK for them, But here in Alabama, we are fine with 34 cents an hour."

(On a related note, color TV will be introduced to southern Alabama in 2057 when it will be declared of the devil and blasted with one of their many death ray guns.)

On Welfare

Democrats will push to extend unemployment and welfare benefits for then entire life of every American. The following year, the secret to immortality will be discovered and the amount in unpaid liabilities the U.S. owes will officially become incalculable.

Republicans will continue to push for job training over welfare handouts. They will have a hard time answering constituent questions about who will pay for the 18 years of college at $5,000,000 a semester it takes to become qualified to hold a white collar job in 2064. They instead decide to support the Democrats plan then then claim their $70,000,000,000,000,000.00 jobs bill is actually a debt reducing measure.

On Border Security

After the advent of teleportation devices, both sides agree that a ginormous wall would probably be a waste of money and resources.

The New Way A Bill Becomes A Law

Gone are the days of a Bill simply standing there on Capitol Hill. Please use the following chart as a reference on how law is made now. Thank you.

Palpatine and Politics: A Simile

Conservatism leads to Darth Sidious, Liberalism leads to Emperor Palpatine.

One of the quickest and surest ways to grab a geeks attention is to drop a Star Wars reference, for example, if I were to say, "Skimpier then a bronze slave outfit." An image of a young Carrie Fischer would pop into many minds, or if someone is budging in line at the DMV, they may get told "Hold on Greedo, I get to go first." The person would be obligated to get to the back of the line, less they try and argue the Special Edition movies are in some way superior in their telling of the Sci-Fi masterpieces.

But why is it that both political sides constantly try and use the image of Emperor Palpatine (a.k.a. Darth Sidious) to define their opposition. Either as a incredibly old, rich, corrupt, bitter, elitist, who is intent on forcing his views on everyone else Republican. Or a manipulative, scheming, lying, brooding, elitist, who is intent on forcing his views on everyone else Democrat. The common thread being the attempt at painting ones political opposition with a power crazed villain who's best friend suffers from a terrible case of asthma and is obsessed with obtaining a pair of giant death balls. I wish to contest that the visage of the Emperor actually has two parts, two sides of the same coin if you will, derived from the two sides of the Star Wars prequel conflict.

Let's go ahead and start breaking apart the analogy. Dismissing the obvious evil, power hungry, old white guy, because let's face it, that describes about 99% of politicians in either camp. Instead, we will compare the means, methodology, and ultimate goals of power attainment. Contrasting Republicans and Democrats with Emperor Palpatine, the duly elected Emperor of the Old Republic, and Darth Sidious, the invisible hand guiding the Seperatist army.

Before we begin, a nod to the concept of the Palpatine Character, a villain who, in the end, controlled both sides of a Civil War. Regardless of who won the war, Palpatine did. And in the end all major factions in the universe would be too exhausted to challenge his ultimate claim. Good thing that there is no supreme powers behind both political parties, simply making them play out their roles while this force wins out regardless of who wins any given political bout. Right? That would be terrible! Could you imagine?

In the Star Wars universe, we had a Darth Sidious before we had an Emperor Palpatine, so we will begin there. To my point, Darth Sidious used his power and manipulation to horde economic and manufacturing resources via the Trade Federation and other galaxy guilds. There were no votes for the masses to decide who was best suited to lead the movement, it was through private means and self determination that Sidious was able to provide the leadership through a series of independent deals, management, and eventual mass execution. He entreated and utilized planets like Geonosis for their manufacturing capability, but allowed them to remain self governed (though only a fool would abandon the cause and risk a Sith Lords wrath). He didn't discriminate or try to dictate or regulate the work conditions of those who worked for him, and gave little regard to the environmental impact of the worlds these factions worked on. The capacity to complete the work ordered was his driving cause, and allowed the 'self governed' aspects of these worlds to handle the impact of these arrangements on their people.

• Capitalism
• Deregulation
• Market Based Compensation
• 'States' Sovereignty

Then we have Palpatine, the soft spoken senator from Naboo who assended to Chancellor, then Emperor, thanks to the motion presented by one Senator Jar-Jar Binks. Palpatine mastered the rule of law as dictated by a strong central government to plot his route to ultimate power. Even in the face of his home planet being bullied into compliance, he believed the process of the Senate needed to be upheld, and saw too much risk in provoking the Trade Federation into a war. He pleaded with Princess Amidala to concede rule of Naboo until such a time that the central government would be mobilized to come and protect them. Stating that it wasn't safe for the Queen to take it upon herself to defend the people against the invading force. Also, once an all out war became unavoidable, then Chancellor Palpatine had zero qualms about utilizing an army that was cloned and raised specifically to be soldiers. A concept that in real life would make the 'moral' right sneer in disgust about playing God with genetics and cloning technologies.

• The Rule of Law
• Centralized Power
• Gun Control
• Science over Morality

Obviously both personas had a single goal, but starkly different methods of obtaining that goal, and in the end it was obvious only to an elite few that they where getting played all along and that the outcome would be the same until the politicians, I mean the Chancellor, was stopped and the power he had attained handed back over to the people. So the difference in the end isn't the end, it's the means by which to get there. Sidious used a more 'free markets' approach and found willing cohorts to establish his power, then through hard work and determination, and a little influence from the dark side of the force, created a structure in which he was at the top of an organization pyramid that obtained it's power through absorbing lesser powers into it. As he amassed this power under him, the top of the power structure changed very little, it simply was raised up as the base expanded (i.e. richer getting richer). Palpatine's rise came through an existing structure, in where he had to reach the top of that structure before he could enact changes that would expand the power base. Each step in power being accompanied by a rule or law that permitted the accession, never changing the rules, simply finding the opportune times in which to  (i.e. everything Hitler did was legal).  

Now apply these variables to the real world. If Bush and Obama had their shot at defending Naboo against the Trade Federation, which one do you see laying low and waiting for the Intergalactic Community to come and assist them, and who do you see building a coallition of the willing Gungans to fight the Droid Army threat. If these two Presidents had to build a Death Star, who would allow companies to hire Genosian immigrants at whatever wage they agreed to, and who would restrict the contracts to those that passed the Imperial background checks.

These are, in my mind, some of the core differences between the right and the left in today's political climate. The origination of the centralization of power. Though neither absolute is ideal, one uses the manipulation of people and the other the manipulation of law. Much like in the olden days of America when monopolies where not regulated, a larger company could put out a smaller company in a price war, where a larger company that can take a loss sets a price point so low that it forces the smaller company out of business, then jacks up the price, forcing people to accept it as competition has ceased. It is the same when too much power is amassed in one organization that is hindered by it's own complexity of laws, rules, and regulations. The word of law ceases to be simple and begins to benefit those that masters its convoluted language rather then those who are just in their cause.

Perhaps, though, in the end the real comparison is between the entirety of the Palpatine/Sidious character, and every politician ever. They all seem to be hiding something, they all think that they should be bowed to when they take a long distance call. They both seem to abandon their constituents when they're needed most. And, nobody ever admits to liking them, but they keep seeming to cower to them.

Perhaps all Palpatine had to do was continue to amass organizations like the Trade Federation, then just buy his influence in the Galactic Senate, he would be all powerful of a non-war torn galaxy, no one would know his name, and no blood would be shed.

Luckily, this is all just a work of fiction... Right?

Obama Offers Concessions for Debt Limit

House Republicans have passed a Debt Ceiling agreement that asks for only one item, de-fund the American Care Act, frequently referred to as Obamacare. In response to this, Obama has called House Republicans out for doing nothing but attacking him, and not focusing on helping the working class and the economy. However, little do people know that there was a top secret memo sent to the GOP leadership. Items that Obama is willing to compromise on to get the Debt Limit raised and to avoid a government shut down. In this memo, the following items where proposed for finding some middle ground that would allow Obamacare to remain funded, and avoid a crippling shutdown.

In exchange for raising the Federal Debt Limit, the following items are proposed for your consideration;

• Adding 'Spray on Tan' coverage to Obamacare for any current Speakers of the House.
• Republicans will have the ability to place one additional word into next years state of the Union to be unknown to the President until he reads it off the teleprompter.
• Joe Biden can not laugh during another Presidential Debate, ever.
• Hillary Clinton will be rehired as Secretary of State so that she can be fired from the position.
• Paul Ryan will be allowed to be relevant again
• A mulligan will be called on the entire career of Marco Rubio
• An 18 hour TV special will be aired, hosted by Nancy Pelosi, special were she will go through all the contents of Obamacare called "Now that we've passed it, let's find out what's in it"
• Before the 2016 Presidential filing date, The White House will share the name of a very good birth certificate forger with Ted Cruz.
  
• Obamacare will be expanded to include chin enhancement surgery for Senate minority leaders.
• On alternating Tuesdays, House Republicans will have access to John Kerry's yacht, so long as they don't dock it in Massachusetts. 
• The first Presidential Debate of 2016 will be moderated by Ron Paul, the second by Ryan Seacrest.
• Senators McCain and Graham will be required to run in the Democratic primaries for their next election.
• Michelle Obama will publicly announce that this deal makes her proud to be an American for the 2nd time in her adult life.
• President Obama will offer gaff fodder to Republicans in the form of stating that America has no intention of putting pants on the ground in Syria.

And the biggest concession of them all;

• Seven states will be allowed to secede from the U.S., bringing the nation, according to Obama, back to 50 states in total.

The ball is now in Republicans court. Only time will tell if a compromise will be reached before something truly tragic, like the status quo, will result of this deadlock.

Pop Stars and Politics

Earlier this week, Harrison Ford went to Washington not as an actor, but as a pilot, imagine my disappointment when the Millennium Falcon did not crash through the capitol dome and with Chewbacca grabbing Nancy Pelosi like a wookie rag doll. I decided to do a little digging and find some other celebs who've donned the activist cap for their cause.

Lady Gaga went to Washington to have a meeting at the White House about bullying. Imagine the awkwardness when she appeared wearing massive amounts of red makeup and the secret service thought she allowed herself to be beaten to prove a point. A point that naturally nobody got but immediately wanted to download on iTunes.

Bob Barker was denied access to the congressional hearing for talks about the Traveling Exotic Animal Protection Act after refusing to surrender his collection of rubber bands and sickles.

Adrian Grenier was in D.C. recently to promote Eco-Friendly living, most attendees left the discussion with a burning desire to buy styrofoam cups and leave their cars idling for no reason. The remaining audience members where still trying to figure out how this guy has a career playing a celebrity on TV.

Julia Roberts met with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to discuss clean cook stoves. That's right, cook stoves. I'm sure there is some horribly sexist joke to be made here but danged if I could come up with it.

Jessica Alba's visit to the capitol to discuss child safety was frequently interrupted by questions from the audience concerning where her babies come from.

Angelina Jolie is well known for raising awareness for people displaced around the world by war, ethnic cleansing, and herself.

Matthew Perry was hesitant to give testimony when he realized that he was speaking for the need to fund U.S. drug courts.

Celebrities can assist in bringing a lot of attention to an issue, and lets face it, congressmen will use just about any excuse to rub shoulders with celebs. Just look at Stephen Colbert's visit about migrant labor. The fanfare in this case obviously overshadowed any good that could come from public awareness of this topic, and it was pretty obvious that Mr. Colbert wanted the press and that someone in congress just wanted an autograph.

So why not let these appearances be served up with some Cheese, let's get William Shatner to discuss the need for space exploration, the Baha Men can discuss the need for keeping stray dogs locked up, Betty White can lecture congress on the need to raise the retirement age for social security, we could even get Chris Brown to discuss domestic violence. After all, if not for celebrities, who would I be poking fun of right now?

Secretary of State Candidates

With all the news of Newtown, Benghazi, and the fiscal cliff flooding the news, who has time to research the candidates to fill in for outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton? Now that Ambassador Rice has bowed out of the competition, who has the time to look into who may be stepping up to replace her? I'll tell you who has the time! I DO! Here is a list of the front runners for the job, along with some dark horses.

The Candidates for Secretary of State:

Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.)
Acceptance Response - "I'm just a scared little boy from out of town, and I'll do anything to be in the national spotlight"

Favorite Color -Ohio Blue
Favorite Hobby - Voting for bills, and then voting against them
Best Qualification - Met with several foreign dignitaries over lunch back in '04, but he can't tell you their names. But man, where they ever impressed by him.
Resume - Senior Senator from Massachusetts. The Home state of Scott Brown, senate hopeful in 2013.



National Security Adviser Thomas Donilon
Acceptance Response - "Let me guess, you couldn't find anyone better?"
Favorite Color - Pink Slip Pink
Favorite Hobby - Eliminating Competition
Best Qualification - Recommended Amb. Rice be appointed World Bank President and removed from Secretary of State competition way before she was ran out of the running, now he backs Samantha Power for Secretary of something-something not the job he wants.
Resume - Graduated from the Catholic University of America, yes, this place exists... , currently on Review Team for new Secretary of State.


NSC official Samantha Power
Acceptance Response - "Free Tibet!"
Favorite Color - Luck of the Irish Green
Favorite Hobby - Protesting
Best Qualification - Has been with Obama since nearly the beginning of his National career, that's right, 7 long years.
Resume - Senior Director for Multilateral Affairs. Yeah, we have no idea what that means either.



Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn.)
Acceptance Response - "I think I can squeeze that in."
Favorite Color - Dark Horse Candidate Black
Favorite Hobby - Skirting around his tax bill
Best Qualification - A Black, Muslim, politician who doesn't pay his taxes. What more do you want?
Resume - See above.




Fmr. President Bill Clinton
Acceptance Response - "Hot Digidy!"
Favorite Color -Stained Dress White
Favorite Hobby - Turning off the Air Conditioner and seeing how long it takes for a bead of sweat to run from your neck to your butt crack
Best Qualification - That Slick Willy Charm
Resume - Too loaded to be brought down to the level of Secretary of State.





ObamaBot
Acceptance Response - "Yes, I can"
Favorite Color -Black and White, but never Grey
Favorite Hobby - None
Best Qualification - $347 Billion worth of stimulus funds went in to Obama-Bots design, construction was outsourced.
Resume - About the same as Obama's back in '08

Fiscal Cliff Solved

Like a bully holding a child's favorite toy just out of reach during a school yard altercation, so too, this government holds the promise of lower taxes and responsible government hostage to the innocent middle classes. After decades of wealth being created by those who now mysteriously have wealth, while those who never had wealth continue to not create wealth, are doomed to suffer in a world where they still don't have wealth. Gone are the never existing days when a generation of middle-class families where not having to worry about paying bills or putting food on the table, after a historic recession that plunged our economy into a crisis from which, three years after technically being over, we are still fighting to recover from, it is time to construct an economy that is built to last longer then the three weeks the current one was designed to last for. To this end, I give you my proposal to put America back on the path that led to this problem in the first place... In the hopes that the laughable left and the ridiculous right will find some common ground to start from and fix this mess we are in.

The Fiscal Year 2013: Kurmudkin Budget Proposal.

The Budget Message of the President

In the Year 2008, this house of Cards we call an economy collapsed,  and  unlike a pole dancer who was under the stage lights too long and collapsed into a sweaty naked pile of well toned feminine flesh, this collapse was ugly, like an ugly pole dancer who collapsed after being under stage lights too long. In this budget, I hope to address everything from the rising cost of groceries to the rising cost of college tuition. This may come as a bit of a shock since at no point I propose any real plans to address tuition or groceries, but there is a line at the end of one of the pages, I forget which one, that talks about a $6,000,000,000.00 slush fund. Just assume that part of that will go to solving a lot of the problems with the country today. Thank you.

Building a Strong Economy

What is an economy? Webster defines it as " the management of household or private affairs and especially expenses". Who better to build up a strong economy then the government? 'nuff said.

"Tax" Reform, Reducing the Deficit, and Asking All to Pay Their Fair Share

After minutes of contemplation it occurred to me. Why are we wasting so much time trying to get money from rich people only to end up without their money and occurring all this debt? The answer seems clear. Rather then taking people's money, we are just going to start handing out the government's debt! Everyone look in your mailboxes for a stack of I.O.U.'s with uncle Sam's name scratched out and a space for you to fill out your name and phone number, and expect some calls from creditors soon. 

Investing in Our Future

Most Sci-Fi novelists agree, that in the future, we will be conquered by a super intelligent race of aliens that vaguely resemble giant slugs. In preparation for such a day, several new government bureaucracies will be developed, charged with the task of designing welcome signs for our soon to be alien overlords.

Budget Changes to Major Government Entities

Department of Agriculture - $60,000,000 in new spending to discover a weight loss diet that consists of cheeseburgers and pudding pops.

Department of Commerce - $100,000,000,000 in federal backed loans to Wal Mart, in the hopes of showing that the Federal Government can invest in a company that doesn't go bankrupt within a year.

Department of Defense - Cut by $4,000,000,000,000 and outsource all military operations to Canada. 

Department of Education - Increase funding by $5,000,000,000,000 from the defense budget savings and then outsource to Canada, also. (There are no typos in this line.)

Department of Energy - Pass new Auto regulations that will require all automobiles to run off the tears of children by 2023.

Department of Health and Human Services - Raise the funding to Medicare, Obama-care  Medicaid, Medicare Part D, SCHIP, Planned Parenthood, AARP, and Extreme Makeover: Wightloss Edition bu 7000%, then appoint a special panel that will figure out how to pay for the other half of these programs.

Department of Homeland Security - Funding for a research program to determine why this department exists in the first place.

Department of the Interior - Develop plans to move this department outdoors.

Department of Justice - Reduce Judicial staff by 80% as new laws do not require as many warrants to be signed. Use savings to allow Department of the Interior to purchase plants for their new location.

Department of Labor - Increase staff by 500,000 per month until unemployment goes down below 4%, with a 'trigger' that will fire them all unless incumbents are all re-elected.

Department of State - Grant one "Get out of a Political Debacle Free" card, then use said card. 

Department of Transportation - Develop plans for a super extensive luxury commuter line, then forbid anyone from using it HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Department of Treasury - Like we could actually tell these guys what to do.

Department of Veteran Affairs - $80,000,000,000 for a new administrative building, authorize the hiring of several new bureaucrats, then several more bureaucrats to address the needs of the ever expanding bureaucracy. Then outsource the task of determining why Vet's aren't getting the benefits they where promised.

In Summary

We're screwed.

There you have it, the new benchmark for negotiations. I suspect that it has has as good of a chance of being implemented as anything that comes out of Washington over the next few weeks. Thank you for reading, or as our to-be alien masters would say, "Ess-Karr-Go'h!"

Middle East Cease Fire(s) Deal

Secretary Clinton at the
end of the 178 hour summit.

A momentous achievement was accomplished in the waning hours of last night’s negotiations between the Jewish State and the Palestinian Territory, where both sides have come agreed to, in principal, a framework brokered by outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The deal is said to be centered around plans for five cease fires for the next five rounds of violence.

“We feel this will really expedite the process next time, saving the world diplomatic community hours of travel time and per diem meal expenses.” said one Israel official this morning.

Specifics are still need being negotiated such as the number of mortars launched into Israel and the number of drone attacks flown into the Gaza Strip in order to trigger one of these cease fires, though it was agreed verbally that once one of the cease fires kicks in, that normal everyday violence will resume after 10 days of relative calm and peace. One Palestinian we talked to was already excited about the news.

Celebrations have broken out in the Middle East.

“It’s a historic deal that will allow us to continue our turbulent cycle of destruction for the next several years, the next time I’m awoken by the sound of explosions and human suffering, I can forgo shouting at the news cameras about the need to end this senseless violence. Knowing that it’s just a matter of time before it’s just a matter time that we start the whole thing over again.”

However, most people we talked to agree that the real winners are the American people, who will no longer have to sit through a boring 5 minute pre-filmed exposé about the latest wave of violence in the Middle East during their cable newscasts, and get right to the more important news, like what did Lindsey Lohan get arrested for today.

In other news, Lindsay Lohan was arrested today for punching a 28 year old female in a New York Night Club.

Election Results - Stage 5: Acceptance

The confetti has fallen, and the signs are coming down, in the back of a smoke free juice bar, the nightly network news with Al Sharpton begins playing. Outside, next to the row of 180 mpg smart cars, is a gay man on his knees asking his partner for the past three years you spend the rest of his life with him. As we pan out, we hear the gentle whirr whirr of the windmills attached to the roofs of the surrounding buildings. This is just one scene of the nightmare that awaits us now that Obama has won a second term.

Stage 5: Acceptance

"Tonight, more than 200 years after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny, the task of perfecting our union moves forward." -Barrack Obama

After the election of 2008, when my candidate eked out a narrow victory over the Constitution Party for a solid 4th place finish, I had a moment where I was filled with hope. A little piece of the same hope that Obama had been selling during his campaign. He had spoken of bettering our education system, and reducing the cost of Healthcare and College. All the while vowing to cut the deficit in half and spur a new green revolution in America that would lead the way to energy independence. The election seemed to had given him the political capital needed, along with a heavily democratic congress, to achieve some of these goals.

Putting aside certain shortcomings from the first term, let's look at what the positive aspects of a second term for Obama could be.

1. We now have an openly Pro-Gay President. Hot Lesbians are sure to follow.
2. We will finally win the war in Afghanistan, regardless of the outcome.
3. We get to continue to hear about the feeling Chris Mathews has in his pants.
4. Men's health insurance rates will be raised up to the level of woman's health insurance rates, making things equal.
5. The infamous lock box discussion on what to do with the Social Security surplus will be resolved, since it will be is gone.
6. We will finally be told how to save money in our health care system, thanks to IPAB.

Thus concludes the cycle of grief for the election 2012 cycle. See you all right back here in 2016.

Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression

Election Results - Stage 4: Depression

Time to bust out the Hagen-Daiz and other all American foods that people gorge on to drown their sorrows.

STAGE 4: DEPRESSION

"If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." -Jay Leno

The most recognizable of all the grief stricken. You mock those in denial, you avoid those in anger, you judge those who try and bargain there way out of a situation, but most people have a spot in their hearts for their fellow men and woman who are truly depressed.

It's best to just let them be. If you confront them, the reaction will go something like, "What are you people doing here? Shouldn't you be out celebrating, because... evidently... you don't listen to anything I say!". If you must confront one, perhaps to ask for a cup a sugar from your neighbor who has a fading Romney/Ryan sign in their yard, don't back them into a corner. Offer them a way out. Perhaps a low lying window out the side of the house. Unless you want to see some waterfalls, it's best to just let them be.

Should you come across one of these voters that bleed 'red state' red and they are already sobbing, try offering them one of the flyers you got in the mail to help them wipe their tears, or one of the millions of fake ballots cast for Obama to blow their nose. Lend a sympathetic ear as they dribble on about how Obama-Care will destroy us all, or how the Deficit will crush our economy, simply nod and smile, because, deep down you all know it's true! Sorry, sorry, I need a minute...

While I wallow back and forth within the early stages of my personal grief, feel free to wallow with me. If you are one of the lucky ones that have finished shaking your head in disbelief, shaking your fist in anger, writing your petitions to get out of the whole deal, and shedding your tears, feel free to move on to the final stage; Acceptance.

Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining

Election Results - Stage 3: Bargaining

Who is out there willing to play 'let's make a deal' with the Republican party? Perhaps those stinking Mexicans or the blasphemous homosexual community, or god forbid, the Atheists. But, how to make the vision of an anti-immigrant, traditional marriage, judeo-christian founded America appeal to them?

STAGE 3: BARGAINING

"There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what... [M]y job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives." -Mitt Romney

<My apologies to Mrs. Kubler-Ross for taking some liberties on what is meant by bargaining when it comes to grief.>

Once the anger subsides and the plotting begins in how to win the 2014 midterms and the next presidential election, the need to woo a new demographic to the right side in order to balance out the overall votes. We can not continue to wait for imaginary ninjas to help the right win.

There have been several thoughts presented as to who the Republican Party needs to tailor their message to in the hopes that it may make a dent in the growing gap with voting blocks that have been traditionally democratic. Some people believe this means compromising a long held position on a key issue. Perhaps immigration, perhaps gay marriage. Which of course could, in turn, prevent a key voting block from turning out on election day, of course I am talking about the closely held @$$-hole vote. I'm talking about those that believe that what hot lesbians do in there bedroom are not only topics for guys sitting in front of their computers late at night, but also matters to people who spend Sunday mornings gathering and talking about how everyone else is going to hell, and that believe the first amendment was put in place to prevent poorly placed mosques in Manhattan. There is some doubt cast when people point out the tailored messages that the RNC spent $5,000,000,000 on this past election trying to broadcast messages on Tela-mundo about the need for border protection, and the $100,000,000 spent by the Westboro Baptist Church of sponsoring a tour by the biggest celebrity they could find, George Micheal, to spread their message of sin and sodomy.

Many say that there is no need for change within the party, and that the problem is that large swaths of Americans that don't seem to want to change their morals and values no matter how many times theirs are proven to be inferior to their own. The solution to this conundrum is simple, succession. A petition to the White House has already garnered over 68,000 signatures to allow Texas to succeed from the United States.

To those readers who wish to pursue this path, I would recommend looking at history for the list of do's and do not's when it comes to succeeding from the United States. A brief look at history shows that seceding states don't have the greatest track record. 0 for 11 to be exact. The other number to toss around is 600,000, the sobering number of deaths as a result from the attempt.

Assuming that you are not an Italian plumber stereotype and have but one life to live for your country, my recommendation is to stop trying to wheel and deal your way out of the election results, grab a box of tissues and wait for the forth stage of grief; depression.


Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger

Election Results - Stage 2: Anger

Continuing with my efforts to help move past the election results, today we will be addressing the uglier side of politics, no, I'm not talking about sex scandals, I'm talking about Anger, something that any liberal attempting to protest an NRA gathering is all too familiar with.

STAGE 2: ANGER

"This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!..." Donald Trump on his Twitter Feed

Anger, the ugly cousin of grief that always gets an obligatory invite to the party, but we all hope that they never show up. Once the results of the election started to solidify and the shock fades, who else but anger's grotesque form rears into the human psyche. 

%#@%&*$ Ninjas

It's Romney's fault, he abandoned Ohio and Virginia in the eleventh hour for a hail-mary pass in Pennsylvania  Minnesota, and Michigan. It's Obama's fault for painting such a horrid picture of such a decent and respectable man. It's the media's fault for slanting their vetting process in the President's favor, and ultimately, it's the Secret Society of Republican Ninja's fault, numbering in the millions and amassing in the Ohio valley and Florida's pan handle, for not only omitting their 10,000,000 solid republican votes, but for not existing in the first place!

Anger is natural enough, but it's how we decide to vent this anger that will judge the parties character moving forward. Reports of people committing suicide and running over their spouse with a car are not helping to transcend the situation, the best thing that comes from these incidents is late night monologue jokes, and considering that republicans are naturally opposed to humor in most forms, I would have to determine that these approaches will ultimately fail in swaying any votes to the right.

Anger, hate, and blame can be pointed in many directions, but for every finger you point at another faction or person who you accuse of costing Romney the election, the more soft money will slip through your fingers, and you will want that money as you move on to the next stage of grief; Bargaining.

Election Results - Stage 1: Denial

Election Results - Stage 1: Denial

Grief is a funny thing. People can respond to it in funny ways. Confusion, sadness, and outbursts of emotion that make people want to check you for tourettes syndrome  After listening to the rounds of talk radio in the wake of the election, I've decided to put together a help guide over the coming days to assist with the grief that many are still feeling from the results of the presidential election.

STAGE 1: DENIAL

"... No, I don't..." - Karl Rove when asked if he thinks Ohio has been settled shortly after declared won by Obama on Fox News.

As the results came rolling in, and the writing appeared obvious on the wall. There where some that insisted that it was not over, Karl Rove on Fox News questioned the declaration that Ohio would go Blue when 25% of the vote was still outstanding. Of course, Ohio would go Blue by a little over 100,000 votes. relatively close by most measures, but not close enough to justify holding on to some hope that a mistake had occurred. Especially when results in Virginia, Florida, and one other state would have to swing to make up for it. Last reports from Fox News have Karl Rove going from house to house in all 11 swings states doing a door to door recount to verify the results, currently he reports that Obama has actually grown his lead by 6,000,000 votes, but only because citizens learned that he insisted on receiving a high five from anyone claiming that they voted for Romney.

I'll admit it, I even made a G+ post about how quickly Michigan had been declared for Obama, knowing that it was tagged as a potential upset state, it was called after about 10% by most networks, and at one point, I think with roughly 25% reporting, Romney actually had a slight lead in Michigan. I took out my anger and frustration banging my head against the wall once for each of the 2,561,911 votes he got in Michigan. The new entry way this created from the living room to the bathroom in our house was not well received by the misses. Especially since she was showering at the time that vote number 1,894,923 was counted, and I blasted through the last bit of drywall and tile that created a 'how do you do' moment with my lovely wife that had previously only been hinted at in the pages of Dear Penthouse. My ending did not match the erotic ending of the forum.

But here is the truth, not only is it true that Obama won the election, it turns out that all the statisticians at all the major news networks got it right on the first try. Sure, many of us still remember the 2000 election and the constant changing of Florida with trepidation, but that was a learning experience for the news machine in general. We on the short end of this election need to accept this reality and start plotting the demise of our enemies as we move on to the next phase of grief; ANGER.