Middle East Cease Fire(s) Deal

Secretary Clinton at the
end of the 178 hour summit.

A momentous achievement was accomplished in the waning hours of last night’s negotiations between the Jewish State and the Palestinian Territory, where both sides have come agreed to, in principal, a framework brokered by outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The deal is said to be centered around plans for five cease fires for the next five rounds of violence.

“We feel this will really expedite the process next time, saving the world diplomatic community hours of travel time and per diem meal expenses.” said one Israel official this morning.

Specifics are still need being negotiated such as the number of mortars launched into Israel and the number of drone attacks flown into the Gaza Strip in order to trigger one of these cease fires, though it was agreed verbally that once one of the cease fires kicks in, that normal everyday violence will resume after 10 days of relative calm and peace. One Palestinian we talked to was already excited about the news.

Celebrations have broken out in the Middle East.

“It’s a historic deal that will allow us to continue our turbulent cycle of destruction for the next several years, the next time I’m awoken by the sound of explosions and human suffering, I can forgo shouting at the news cameras about the need to end this senseless violence. Knowing that it’s just a matter of time before it’s just a matter time that we start the whole thing over again.”

However, most people we talked to agree that the real winners are the American people, who will no longer have to sit through a boring 5 minute pre-filmed exposé about the latest wave of violence in the Middle East during their cable newscasts, and get right to the more important news, like what did Lindsey Lohan get arrested for today.

In other news, Lindsay Lohan was arrested today for punching a 28 year old female in a New York Night Club.