Penn State, Just Stop It Already

The clock ticks away the final seconds as my Iowa State Cyclones eke out a 13-10 victory over the Jay Birds of Kansas. Iowa State has gone back into the winning record category and is 5-4 heading into some of the toughest games of the season. There is celebration and jubilation that we are beating the odds once again. A roar of cheers fills Jack Trice stadium and the PA system clicks on with a warm bass sound and the voice that is familiar to many college football fans, Neil Diamond, comes in "Where it began, I can't begin a knowing" The screams stop, the applause fades, and you wrap your arms around both your buddies, your loved ones, and even a similarly dressed neighbor. You look out onto the other side of the stadium and see tens of thousand of fans doing the same. Suddenly forty thousand people are swaying and singing together."Hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you!"

Is this song about touching boys in the shower? It's about as much that as my co-worker offering me a cucumber from his garden is an offer to start an affair. It is a song about spending the good times with people you care about. The idea being you are celebrating a team win with your fellow fans and the team on the field. But, apparently, the Penn State athletic association now believes these words to be too provocative. So, in the spirit of Neil Diamonds song, I want to reach out and help Penn State with some more ideas on how it can further erase any possible confusion or association with the despicable acts of Jerry Sandusky.

1. Players on both teams will be required to wear swimsuits in the showers after a game.

New Rules would make this coach wind up in federal prison.

2. Patting a teammate on the rear end will result in a 15 yard personal foul, repeat offense will result in player being erased from team roster retroactive to when the player hit puberty.
3. No Soap on the Rope, ever, anywhere, period.
4. The additional songs will also be banned from playing any where on the Penn State campus;
  - "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band, 1976
  - "Let’s Get It On" by Marvin Gaye, 1973
  - "Physical" by Olivia Newton John, 1981
  - "My Ding-a-Ling" by Chuck Berry, 1972
  - "Rubber Duckie" by Bert, 1970
5. The numbers 0, 1, and 2 will be removed from all final scores.
6. Holding penalties will be referred to as "Mommy and Daddy Time" penalties, and will result in automatic turnovers.
7. Touchdowns will be referred to as "Properly reported incidents" (These will frequently be lost before they are reflected on the scoreboards).

If removing a song that has the word 'touching' in it, and if removing a statue of, and removing victories from NOT THE GUY WHO WAS MESSING AROUND WITH LITTLE BOYS IN THE FIRST PLACE is a serious reaction to Sandusky, then I can only imagine the positive impact that the above recommendations will have.

These are serious times people, and only a serious approach will make people take this serious program seriously again, seriously.